Of Mice & Men - Debut Album

I think my problem is that my words are too big and my mouth is too small.

See, thing is that I spent my entire primary school years in silence. I said very little and kept to myself, because if I tried to join in on games and RP-ing, I would get shot down. I was bullied for most of my childhood, and even though my mum tried to stop it, nothing ever changed. So I kept my mouth shut about my feelings because nobody ever asked.

When I came to high school and made friends, it was practically impossible to shut me up, because I have a tendency to babble when I get nervous. Take JD. for instance, I like him a lot, and whenever I'm around him, I have word vomit. Words come out but really I say very little. Afterwards, I always think why the hell did I say that? Or do something stupid. Usually I regret my actions and words later on.

I very often spend my nights banging my head against my pillow, trying to wrap my head around why I did or said something. Sometimes I'm good, sometimes I'm almost normal and can talk normally at a normal speed and about things that are actually interesting. Others, the only way to get me to stay quiet is by stuffing my mouth with a sock or a gag.

To be honest, this is the first time I've come clean about my babbling. Everyone thinks that I've always been his way, but I haven't. Often, I wish I was that way again. Usually, I wish I could go back to being The Invisible Girl. Life is so much easier when you are invisible.

I seriously need to learn to control my motor mouth though. I feel as if there is something wrong with me.

Actually, I always feel that way.

Then again, I'm a sixteen year old girl who has never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, and has suicidal thoughts everyday, almost every hour. I believe myself to be a dying species called "Virgins". You may have heard of us, we're going extinct after all.

Omg, I am a panda o.O

(A dream come true!)

Anyway. I guess I'm happy, most of the time. Apart from the omg kill me now part which is in every teenager, let's face it. I'm nothing unusual. Ish. I would like to think I was, but I know I'm not. I'm awkward, but not in the way that means I'm quiet, you know, the other way round.

Another thing: I talk a lot about boyfriends and love. Truth is that I don't want love, I just want a boyfriend. Not for the 'benefits' of it, although I'm sure that part would be nice too. I want the part where you can be in the company of someone you like and be able to kiss them and hold their hand and hug them and just be happy to spend time with them a lot.

Honestly, I want something easy. Love is hard, I don't want it.

In case I haven't mentioned, I'm thinking about asking out JD. next week. Thoughts to anyone who reads this? No? Didn't think so.

Emily xx