We Came As Romans

I'm happy.

I can't believe I just typed that, but it's true. I am actually happy right now. I mean, my life is still complicated as hell and stuff, but I like the way my social standing is.

Nothing awkward has happened with me and S. which I am unbelievably relieved for. If we had stopped being friends I don't know what I would have done, I really don't. He's a great friend, and such a lovely person, but I'm starting to worry about him in other aspects now. I'm not sure if it's my place or not to get involved either, maybe it is I don't know >.<

Basically, you remember I mentioned the boy I was in love with? H.? Well, his slutty ex has started to flirt with S. right in front of him, and H. thinks that S. is encouraging her. To be honest, I don't see it, but having never flirted with anyone in my life, I really wouldn't know, would I? Thing is, I'm not jealous (maybe a little because she gets to sit with them in class and stuff) but I'm worried about H. I don't want him and S. to fall out over that bitch, she isn't worth it. I heard H. say it himself in class today, I probably shouldn't have been listening in but it's so hard not to.

I think I'm starting to get feelings for H. again. Today we had a conversation - kind of - for the first time in over a year and I couldn't stop thinking that one line over and over in my head. Wow, I forgot how damn cute he is :( I know he doesn't feel that way about me, probably hates that I've been accepted into their group (more on that!) but I don't think he hates me. I hope he doesn't. And if he does, he has a funny way of showing it, especially because apparently one lesson he had with his ex he really dug into her about all the crap she's done/did. That is probably one of the reasons I like him so much: we both see past her façade of 'little miss innocent'. A lot of girls do, but the boys I hang out with don't. I'm glad she hasn't been with us this week, I feel much more comfortable and happier without her there.

Anyway, I spoke to my friend, LL., today. Apparently that bitch I., who is in their group because of her boyfriend and stuff, was spreading rumours about me. Saying I asked out S. to prom and he said no blah blah blah. To be fair, I did ask him out, but that was last week, and apparently that rumour arose about a month ago. LL. told me she went up to I. and her boyfriend and told them to lay off me because I'm part of their group now, which made me smile :) I like feeling like a part of something, but I do not want to get involved in the drama of it all. That's too much trouble, way more than it's ever worth.

The boys didn't act any different with me though, especially S., so they either didn't hear the rumours, didn't care, or didn't believe them. I'm happy I didn't know about it at the time, I would have felt awful. I hate that bitch I. for what she did to me with my friends turning against me, this is not entirely surprising really. I hope nothing else happens.

I have a 5 hour assessment in textiles tomorrow. Woo. Wish me luck >.<

Emily xx

Pierce The Veil - Collide With The Sky

I seriously am starting to think I deserve to be alone. I've done some terrible things in the past. I'm the reason a girl nearly drowned when we were seven years old. I lost the boy I loved because I refused to give up on him. I was abandoned by my friends because I opened my heart up and let the shit spill out. And now because I said something stupid I'm going to torture myself everyday. I kind of want to, but I also don't. I dunno, I just really have no idea anymore.

Basically, I kind of asked out S. yesterday. Needless to say it did not go well. He said he'd just got out of a relationship (okay, let me point out here that I had no idea about this, and also point out the girl is a horrible person because, well, some people just are, and I'm not being judgmental here even though it isn't coming across very well) and that he wasn't looking for another. I mean, I can completely understand, I really can. 

You don't want a relationship, well,  you don't want a relationship. Simple as. I'm just annoyed at myself because it just slipped out and then I was so embarrassed and I started thinking about all the reasons someone would want to be with me (fyi, it's 0) and I couldn't stop over-thinking the whole thing. Then no one seemed to notice I was upset, and I don't know if I would have wanted their sympathy or not, but it would have been nice if someone noticed. You know what I mean?

Anyway, when I came home I phoned my best friend, Jessie, straight away. She's the most amazing best friend in the whole world and I don't know what I would do without her. I completely cried myself out (or thought I did at least) while I was talking to her, and even though neither of us have much experience with guys or that kind of thing, she told me not to worry and things would be okay. She told me to get some tea and find some chocolate to munch on and do some work for school. To be honest, I couldn't have found better advice. I'm so happy she's my friend, I don't deserve her! She told me she would take me to the cinema this weekend, just to cheer me up :) Oh God, I'm getting teary eyed right now!

My parents were supportive too, which is awesome. Everyone I have told (a total of four people) have said "It's his loss!" and I know I should believe them, I do. But... what is there to love about me really? There's nothing. I'm boring, I talk to much, my grades are dropping by the day, I'm ugly, I'm lazy and I don't know when to leave well enough alone. Oh, and I latch onto things, which is basically the same as the latter but meh, it's late.

Thing is, I have to see S. everyday for the rest of the week, then next week, and the next... not the weekends of course, but during the week. Now he knows how I feel about him (or did, I don't know anymore) things will be awkward. Although, things were okay today, maybe we're even closer now? I hope so, more than anything I would hate to lose his friendship, I value it more than any romantic relationship. He's moving soon as well, so it's for the best that nothing like that ever happened :)

Yes. I know I'm right there. I'll go into school tomorrow and be his friend. Just his friend. And I want to stay in contact with him when he moves to London. I will. I just hope he doesn't get bored of me.

One day, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe in a year or ten, I'll meet someone and we'll fall in love and everything will be alright. See, I have this idea of love in my head, and I want that. Not some mis-match version some people have pressed against a wall or on a bed.

I want intimacy. I want cuteness. I want surprise kisses. I want comfortable silences. I want love, in the most simple sense of the word.

Emily xx

I've really screwed shit up now.

Emily xxx

Fall Out Boy - From Under The Cork Tree

So today's Saturday... what's happened since my last report you ask?

I went on this To Kill A Mockingbird theatre trip with school in Manchester. It was really amazing! I didn't expect to like it as much as I did, but I'm glad I did. My biggest issue when I went was who I was going to hang out with. J. was going, so when I first found out I was happy I would get to sit and chill with her for a few hours, then the Great Fallout took place and I had no where to go and stuff. It wasn't awkward though, I still hung out with J. there and stuff, because her other friends I have no care for kind of ditched her, and I haven't had much of a chance to talk to her since what happened with L.

I ended up sitting on the bus with S. and his friend T. however, which was tons of fun and such a laugh. My mouth hurt from all the laughing and talking I did by the end of the night; I was so hyper! I don't think J. liked the play much, she liked the guy who played Jem though, if you know what I mean... ;) I teased her about that endlessly!

Oh, and my SWS t-shirt that I ordered came in the post! Omg it's beautiful I love it so much! Here is a link to the site I bought it from (Amazon): http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sleeping-Sirens-Light-Death-T-Shirt/dp/B00B8PJPLQ/ref=sr_1_3?s=clothing&ie=UTF8&qid=1362773610&sr=1-3

Sigh. I love them so much it's not normal.
Thursday was Stop The Clock day at school, which would have been useful for doing revision if I hadn't been doing this Microsoft/app thing. It was supposed to be some kind of 'reward' for 'good performance in work' or something. I guess that's a good thing. It means I'm doing well... right? I spent two hours having to write about my 'dreams and aspirations' and then another two hours designing an app, which I won't bore you guys with the details of, all I will say is my group consisted of me and this other guy while the rest of the people doing the Microsoft thing were in groups of four or five. I mean, the guy I worked with was nice and all, we seemed to get along really well, but it felt as if we had kind of been pushed to work together. I'm just glad that I have guy friends now, otherwise I never would have been able to have an easy conversation with that guy!
Friday was beyond awesome! For one thing, I got full marks in a psychology test we did the other week, and it was out of 50!! An A*!! I was soooo happy, S. said I screamed but I don't give a damn, I was (and am) incredibly happy with that! I only got a C on the smaller test we did, so I know I have to revise that better now, which I guess is kind of a good thing. I didn't think I did too well on that anyway, but that's okay. Full marks on an out of 50 test! Go me! Wooo!!
Oh, oh. And then I was on Facebook in the evening, just scrolling through and rolling my eyes at the bitches and douches I am friends with (grrrrr >.<) when I accidently sent S. a friend request. As a rule, I never send requests, it's just not something I do. See, my mouse went spazzy and clicked the 'Send friend request' button, and I know it doesn't sound believable in the least, but I swear that is what happened! Bright side? He accepted!!! Eeeeee!! Honestly? I realized that I liked him when I saw the notification :D Thinking on it, I probably did before, I just didn't realize how much I liked him until yesterday *blushes*
I'm a little sad about that though because he is moving to London soon, so its not like anything can happen or I can date him or anything like that... can I?

Emily xxx

You Me At Six - Hold Me Down

Let me think. What has happened since I las wrote?

1. Awkwardeness between myself and L. has made hanging with that group basically impossible and I'm considering cutting all ties with them.
2. My best friend came for a sleepover and we totally fangirled over Supernatural and All Time Low :)
3. I've been kind of accepted into another group :D
4. I'm failing my 'best' subject beyond belief.
5. I've developed an unhealthy obsession with Fall Out Boy which I am very proud of.
6. I can't seem to stop thinking about S....

Maybe there is just something really wrong with me and I can't see it. Grrrr >.< Why are friendships so friggin hard?

On the bright side, I'm going to start doing some fundraising work with J. for our charity. So I'm becoming more and more involved in the world of charity! It makes me feel really good about myself, which I don't say very often. We came up with a long list of ideas of what to do for our fundraising. Including a catwalk, tombola, dress up day, cake sale and the favourite was to do a car wash; there are lots of problems with doing the last one though. For one thing it would be me, J. and two other volunteers having to do the car washing, and we would have to use buckets of water, making things awkward.

The plan is that if we do decide to do the car washing thing, the four of us will get a couple of friends to help out. And seeing as some of my only friends at the minute are guys.... hehehe :D That would make for an interesting day. Mmmmm.... Just wondering what S. looks like without a shirt on.... Shit! I have to see him tomorrow.... Wow, that will be awkward now I've been thinking about that...

ANYWAY.

Exams are just around the corner and I've not had chance for any revision since Thursday, which is crap. I need to get quite a bit done before my first exam, elsewise I am totally screwed.

Also, my prom dress is here! I love it sooo much and I'm really pleased we decided on the one we did. It's pretty and blue and floor length and is all strappy at the back (not thrilled about that but c'est la vie) and I feel amazing when I wear it! Sadly, I'm worried that on the night, I'll be chilling out in the corner on my own, not being able to socialise with people, which would royally suck ass. I've thought about asking S. to go with me, but he's moving to London soon and I'll miss him so much and if I mess things up I'll hate myself. If I don't do anything though, I'm scared I'll regret it so much... Maybe next time we're alone together, I'll just tell him?

Emily xxx

Dying Battle

The push itself was small, but the fall was great.

I clasped at the slimy brick walls which surrounded me on the descent down, the tiny prick of light fading to nothing with every passing second. The walls were decorated with wet, ugly things, which I hesitated to even imagine what they were.

My body broke the sheet of ice that covered the bottom of the abyss, consuming me. My dress clung to my frail form; my shoes came free from the buckles that tied them to my feet, presumably drifting into the black depths beneath me.

I could see nothing. There was no light; there was no escape from this endless void. I tried hard to keep my head above water, gasping for air I couldn’t seem to find, as I thrashed and kicked and lost my strength too soon.

All I could hear was the singing echo of my voice, yelling and screaming for help that was too far away to hear. I was alone. I was trapped. I was still falling.

Try as I might, there seemed to be no way out. My nails clawed at the walls, searching to find anything to hold me aloft, but finding nothing. When I pulled my hands back to massage the fingertips, I smelt blood.

There was nothing here to save me from this fate, no one to care enough to hear my cries. In this torturously small, deep hole, I could entertain only myself.

This was dark as no human had ever had the misfortune to witness. It made me gasp for different reasons than lack of air, it made me want to vomit and let it take me now. There was no use in delaying the inevitability of it: I was confined to this agonizing prison.

It felt like hours before my legs finally lost all feeling, but seconds before my arms went dead. I floated with my head grasping at the tiny space of air I had left, the only thing left to live for.

I wished for a spark of light, a voice of any sort, a sign of any kind to call for me, yet a distant murmur in my mind whispered “No hope.”

Finally, as the last thread of radiance disappeared from my mind and my soul, I felt my heavy eyelids shut. I promised myself that I would open them again. I promised myself that this was not the end.

My dying battle with the well was over, I realised, as I allowed the unfathomable, bitter water devour me, dragging me down further until I thought not a whimper…

Fall Out Boy - playlist

Sorry I haven't written anything in a while, I've been too busy coughing up my guts with a wretched virus. Eugh, feel like crap right now. A girl has obligations to uphold however, and I'm determined to document how my week has gone.

L. and I have made things incredibly awkward in our little group. Our other friend J. has been more than a little torn to say the least, so I made things easier and went to sit with another group. Unfortunately she now thinks I'm avoiding her, so I've had to set her mind at ease, which I think I've done. Hopefully all will be okay with us after the half term holidays are over and we're back to school.

This group I've been hanging with... it's hard for me to interpret them. I mean, I only really know three people in their group, which has about fifteen people in it, so I've tried to stay as quiet as I can (not hard considering every time I speak I cough everywhere!) and when I do speak it's to S. and his friend T. They don't seem to hate me, so I take this as a good sign!

Problem is my previous love for S.'s best friend, who I now have to see every break. He ignores me, even though I hang with S., but I think I prefer it that way. If we did talk to one another, even when not surrounded by people, it would be incredibly awkward and tense. So we tolerate each other I think, and S. and T. are so nice to me, it's weird to be getting on so well with boys, when I've never really been friends with guys in the past, except H.

Apart from my illness and that, nothing much has really been happening, I mean, exams are coming up in a few months, so I'm planning on lots of revision. Lucky me >.<

Erm... my prom dress came in the post. It's beautiful! And I'm so ugly :( I hope I can pull it off on the night. It's only for three hours, but people make such a huge deal over prom. Sometimes I wish I weren't going. I did ask T. if he'd go with me, but he said to ask S., although I don't think he really meant it, I've been thinking about it a lot more than I probably should...

Emily xx

Black Veil Brides - Wretched and Divine

I can literally feel myself becoming a bad person.

Everyday, it gets worse. I'll think or do or say something and at the time won't think anything of it, that's probably the worst part, because a few hours or minutes later, it'll come crashing down on me the weight of what's been done.

I hate this about myself more than I can possibly say. I hate myself. I really, truly hate myself and what it is my friends make me do. I get along better with people I hardly know. You know how people say "I'm a nice person once you get to know me." Well, I'm the opposite.

God, I hate this.

Being bullied has well and truly screwed me up. I can't seem to say anything nice anymore, and it kills me.

I have a list of ways to improve myself:

♥ Be non-judgmental

♦ Keep opinions to myself

♣ Stop talking so much

♠ Know when to leave well enough alone

♥ Earn my confidence

♦ Work harder in school

♣ Revise more at home

♠ Don't over think things

♥ STOP BEING A BITCH

It's a working progress. I hate all of these things about myself and I know I can be a better person, if I really try.

That's all for now folks :)

Emily xx

PS. That deal I made with that guy? He supposedly took drugs for the first time! There's no way that's true but I don't mind :D Oh, and he told me a secret about his best friend... is that a good thing? Especially seeing as said best friend told me a secret about deal guy a couple of years ago which has been at the back of my mind for a while...?

We Are The Ocean - Maybe Today, Maybe Tomorrow

I'm a bad person.

A very bad person.

I mean, is it wrong to like the best friend of someone you used to be in love with?

I think it is, therefore, I'm a bad person.

Ugh. I guess I'm going to have to explain the situation for the 115th time now. Oh joy.

Okay. December 2010. I start talking to this guy I used to be close to, H., and everything is great. We've become friends again and we have a lot in common, which doesn't happen a lot to me, sadly. Anyway, we had a conversation one night about the sexual politics of men and women, which ended in him saying "I love you but I don't know what to do about it."

We went out twice and talked, and I eventually texted him saying "I used to be scared to open up to people, but I'm not anymore." Surprise, surprise, he said he wanted to remain friends???

He stopped talking to me, and every time I tried to talk to him again, he ignored me and told me to fuck off and leave him alone and shit. Sadly, by this time I was in love with him.

That was a long time ago, I know, and I'm passed it. He didn't take me seriously, yet I always think that he deserves better than the girl he settled on, who everyone knows is a cheater, even him. Poor H., I know I shouldn't feel bad for him, but I can't deny that I do.

Anyway, I started sitting next to his best friend, S., for my Psychology lessons, due to a totally uncalled for seating plan. He's so sweet and funny and cute and clever and when he smiles it reaches his eyes. He doesn't know about me and and H. and I plan to keep it that way, more than anything else it's just embarrassing.

Our last Psych. lesson, we started work on the self, and one of the activities we had to do was write down ten things we did the day before. After that, S. said "I do the same thing every day" and I said "Why not do something different then?"

After a while I said we'd make a deal and shake hands on it: we both had to do something totally obscure and different that we'd never done before, and next lesson we had together we'd tell each other what it was we did :)

I finally found something to do, but haven't spoken to him yet. Awww, I hope that goes well :/

Other than that little rant, I started working at another charity last Sunday. It was okay, only my feet were dying from all the standing around I had to do! Plus, it was really awkward because I didn't really know or have a lot in common with the girl I worked with. She was very nice and all, I just didn't have much in common with her. She didn't even like the same music as me! Which, honestly, there are few other topics I talk about if not music :)

Emily xxx

Of Mice & Men - Debut Album

I think my problem is that my words are too big and my mouth is too small.

See, thing is that I spent my entire primary school years in silence. I said very little and kept to myself, because if I tried to join in on games and RP-ing, I would get shot down. I was bullied for most of my childhood, and even though my mum tried to stop it, nothing ever changed. So I kept my mouth shut about my feelings because nobody ever asked.

When I came to high school and made friends, it was practically impossible to shut me up, because I have a tendency to babble when I get nervous. Take JD. for instance, I like him a lot, and whenever I'm around him, I have word vomit. Words come out but really I say very little. Afterwards, I always think why the hell did I say that? Or do something stupid. Usually I regret my actions and words later on.

I very often spend my nights banging my head against my pillow, trying to wrap my head around why I did or said something. Sometimes I'm good, sometimes I'm almost normal and can talk normally at a normal speed and about things that are actually interesting. Others, the only way to get me to stay quiet is by stuffing my mouth with a sock or a gag.

To be honest, this is the first time I've come clean about my babbling. Everyone thinks that I've always been his way, but I haven't. Often, I wish I was that way again. Usually, I wish I could go back to being The Invisible Girl. Life is so much easier when you are invisible.

I seriously need to learn to control my motor mouth though. I feel as if there is something wrong with me.

Actually, I always feel that way.

Then again, I'm a sixteen year old girl who has never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, and has suicidal thoughts everyday, almost every hour. I believe myself to be a dying species called "Virgins". You may have heard of us, we're going extinct after all.

Omg, I am a panda o.O

(A dream come true!)

Anyway. I guess I'm happy, most of the time. Apart from the omg kill me now part which is in every teenager, let's face it. I'm nothing unusual. Ish. I would like to think I was, but I know I'm not. I'm awkward, but not in the way that means I'm quiet, you know, the other way round.

Another thing: I talk a lot about boyfriends and love. Truth is that I don't want love, I just want a boyfriend. Not for the 'benefits' of it, although I'm sure that part would be nice too. I want the part where you can be in the company of someone you like and be able to kiss them and hold their hand and hug them and just be happy to spend time with them a lot.

Honestly, I want something easy. Love is hard, I don't want it.

In case I haven't mentioned, I'm thinking about asking out JD. next week. Thoughts to anyone who reads this? No? Didn't think so.

Emily xx

The Pretty Reckless - Light Me Up

I have good news and bad news.

The bad news? My best friend and I are Splitzville.

The good news? I had a great weekend.

Having a good weekend isn't a huge deal for most people, but I don't usually have that many good ones. I mostly just stay at home, in bed, headphones on, browsing the Internet. Fyi, I avoid homework at every possible chance I can get. This weekend though, I was working in the charity shop I volunteer at, and had a surprisingly good time. There was a really really really cute guy there on Sunday, so I feel it is my duty, as a somewhat mature, sophisticated young woman, to drool over him. That's my next Sunday sorted.

It's not just that though, I bought the quite possibly the most perfect vintage silver locket over the weekend too. It's gorgeous and I love it and want to wear it all the time. Alas, we have a damned school uniform >.<

On a less cheerful note... me and L.

Well, this girl (I.) used to be a good friend of mine. Of course, now there is this sort of ongoing bitch-out between us. You know, who can bring the other down faster and all. I'm not a very bitchy person bear in mind, I don't even hate her, I just hate how people think they can do things like this to other people.

Anyway, I. and myself used to talk all the time on Skype and in school and stuff, when suddenly she got a boyfriend and everything changed. She stopped taking to me as much, and he started saying I was copying her. True, I love BVB as much as her (probably more), and yes, I did join Tumblr, but only because she seemed to talk about it all the time. Apparently I dyed my hair to look like hers, because now mine is brown and hers is jet black.

Blah blah blah. Long story short? We don't like each other. And L. stayed friends with her, which I didn't mind, she has the right to be friends with whoever she wants, it's her life. But when she ditches me with strangers so she can chill out with I. and her Group? Oh hell no, me no like that at all.

So I told her I didn't like it. I told her I thought I. was a manipulative bitch. I said other things too, but none as bad as that. Her counter was "Well, if you're going to judge I. and say those things I don't want to be your friend anymore."

For me, that's that.

What is said is said, and although it was likely heat of the moment, I don't want to have a friend who acts like that.

On a more positive note, I get to sit next to my crush tomorrow for ONE WHOLE HOUR. Soooo looking forward to it :)

Emily xx

Metallica - Black Album

I've never tried blogging in this sense before. I mean, I have a tumblr account and I go on it regularly, but I have never owned an account in which I come on and record my life before. That said, I've tried writing a diary before, and needless to say it hasn't really worked out...

I have decided  that all that is about to change now. I am going to run this blog and come on as often as I can. Nobody will read my musings, but it's something I am doing for myself in a way. Like, if I get my thoughts and feelings written out, I'll be able to work through things better. In a way. I guess?

So... this is me, Emily Zara Jackson, writing everything down. Sorry I'm not very interesting. Sorry I talk a lot. Sorry I complain a lot. Sorry for a lot of things in advance, because, you know, I'm polite like that :)

Well, I guess I should start with a little about myself:

♦ I love rock music. My favourite bands include Sleeping With Sirens (SWS), Pierce The Veil (PTV), You Me At Six (YMAS), All Time Low (ATL) and Black Veil Brides (BVB). I also like Paramore, Of Mice & Men (OM&M), Metallica, A Day To Remember (ADTR), Halestorm, The Letter Black (TLB), A Skylit Drive (ASD), AC/DC and Three Days Grace (TDG). Hell, that's a lot of music :D

♣ I have a beagle named Archie who I adore. Most likely he'll crop up every now and then.

♠ My room is filled with books because I am a compulsive book buyer and lover of the written word.

♥ I am currently learning the art of the guitar - meaning I'll probably complain about the slow-going as it is.

♦ I am obsessed with Alice in Wonderland. It's amazing and your argument is invalid.

♣ I'm trying to be a writer, or an author, or whatever . Anyway. I just love to write, so I might post some short stories I write on here...?

Erm. There's probably more, but it's late and I'm tired and sleep is one of my favourite things to do, so I'm signing out for now. Hope someone reads this.

xx Emily