Dying Battle

The push itself was small, but the fall was great.

I clasped at the slimy brick walls which surrounded me on the descent down, the tiny prick of light fading to nothing with every passing second. The walls were decorated with wet, ugly things, which I hesitated to even imagine what they were.

My body broke the sheet of ice that covered the bottom of the abyss, consuming me. My dress clung to my frail form; my shoes came free from the buckles that tied them to my feet, presumably drifting into the black depths beneath me.

I could see nothing. There was no light; there was no escape from this endless void. I tried hard to keep my head above water, gasping for air I couldn’t seem to find, as I thrashed and kicked and lost my strength too soon.

All I could hear was the singing echo of my voice, yelling and screaming for help that was too far away to hear. I was alone. I was trapped. I was still falling.

Try as I might, there seemed to be no way out. My nails clawed at the walls, searching to find anything to hold me aloft, but finding nothing. When I pulled my hands back to massage the fingertips, I smelt blood.

There was nothing here to save me from this fate, no one to care enough to hear my cries. In this torturously small, deep hole, I could entertain only myself.

This was dark as no human had ever had the misfortune to witness. It made me gasp for different reasons than lack of air, it made me want to vomit and let it take me now. There was no use in delaying the inevitability of it: I was confined to this agonizing prison.

It felt like hours before my legs finally lost all feeling, but seconds before my arms went dead. I floated with my head grasping at the tiny space of air I had left, the only thing left to live for.

I wished for a spark of light, a voice of any sort, a sign of any kind to call for me, yet a distant murmur in my mind whispered “No hope.”

Finally, as the last thread of radiance disappeared from my mind and my soul, I felt my heavy eyelids shut. I promised myself that I would open them again. I promised myself that this was not the end.

My dying battle with the well was over, I realised, as I allowed the unfathomable, bitter water devour me, dragging me down further until I thought not a whimper…

Fall Out Boy - playlist

Sorry I haven't written anything in a while, I've been too busy coughing up my guts with a wretched virus. Eugh, feel like crap right now. A girl has obligations to uphold however, and I'm determined to document how my week has gone.

L. and I have made things incredibly awkward in our little group. Our other friend J. has been more than a little torn to say the least, so I made things easier and went to sit with another group. Unfortunately she now thinks I'm avoiding her, so I've had to set her mind at ease, which I think I've done. Hopefully all will be okay with us after the half term holidays are over and we're back to school.

This group I've been hanging with... it's hard for me to interpret them. I mean, I only really know three people in their group, which has about fifteen people in it, so I've tried to stay as quiet as I can (not hard considering every time I speak I cough everywhere!) and when I do speak it's to S. and his friend T. They don't seem to hate me, so I take this as a good sign!

Problem is my previous love for S.'s best friend, who I now have to see every break. He ignores me, even though I hang with S., but I think I prefer it that way. If we did talk to one another, even when not surrounded by people, it would be incredibly awkward and tense. So we tolerate each other I think, and S. and T. are so nice to me, it's weird to be getting on so well with boys, when I've never really been friends with guys in the past, except H.

Apart from my illness and that, nothing much has really been happening, I mean, exams are coming up in a few months, so I'm planning on lots of revision. Lucky me >.<

Erm... my prom dress came in the post. It's beautiful! And I'm so ugly :( I hope I can pull it off on the night. It's only for three hours, but people make such a huge deal over prom. Sometimes I wish I weren't going. I did ask T. if he'd go with me, but he said to ask S., although I don't think he really meant it, I've been thinking about it a lot more than I probably should...

Emily xx

Black Veil Brides - Wretched and Divine

I can literally feel myself becoming a bad person.

Everyday, it gets worse. I'll think or do or say something and at the time won't think anything of it, that's probably the worst part, because a few hours or minutes later, it'll come crashing down on me the weight of what's been done.

I hate this about myself more than I can possibly say. I hate myself. I really, truly hate myself and what it is my friends make me do. I get along better with people I hardly know. You know how people say "I'm a nice person once you get to know me." Well, I'm the opposite.

God, I hate this.

Being bullied has well and truly screwed me up. I can't seem to say anything nice anymore, and it kills me.

I have a list of ways to improve myself:

♥ Be non-judgmental

♦ Keep opinions to myself

♣ Stop talking so much

♠ Know when to leave well enough alone

♥ Earn my confidence

♦ Work harder in school

♣ Revise more at home

♠ Don't over think things

♥ STOP BEING A BITCH

It's a working progress. I hate all of these things about myself and I know I can be a better person, if I really try.

That's all for now folks :)

Emily xx

PS. That deal I made with that guy? He supposedly took drugs for the first time! There's no way that's true but I don't mind :D Oh, and he told me a secret about his best friend... is that a good thing? Especially seeing as said best friend told me a secret about deal guy a couple of years ago which has been at the back of my mind for a while...?

We Are The Ocean - Maybe Today, Maybe Tomorrow

I'm a bad person.

A very bad person.

I mean, is it wrong to like the best friend of someone you used to be in love with?

I think it is, therefore, I'm a bad person.

Ugh. I guess I'm going to have to explain the situation for the 115th time now. Oh joy.

Okay. December 2010. I start talking to this guy I used to be close to, H., and everything is great. We've become friends again and we have a lot in common, which doesn't happen a lot to me, sadly. Anyway, we had a conversation one night about the sexual politics of men and women, which ended in him saying "I love you but I don't know what to do about it."

We went out twice and talked, and I eventually texted him saying "I used to be scared to open up to people, but I'm not anymore." Surprise, surprise, he said he wanted to remain friends???

He stopped talking to me, and every time I tried to talk to him again, he ignored me and told me to fuck off and leave him alone and shit. Sadly, by this time I was in love with him.

That was a long time ago, I know, and I'm passed it. He didn't take me seriously, yet I always think that he deserves better than the girl he settled on, who everyone knows is a cheater, even him. Poor H., I know I shouldn't feel bad for him, but I can't deny that I do.

Anyway, I started sitting next to his best friend, S., for my Psychology lessons, due to a totally uncalled for seating plan. He's so sweet and funny and cute and clever and when he smiles it reaches his eyes. He doesn't know about me and and H. and I plan to keep it that way, more than anything else it's just embarrassing.

Our last Psych. lesson, we started work on the self, and one of the activities we had to do was write down ten things we did the day before. After that, S. said "I do the same thing every day" and I said "Why not do something different then?"

After a while I said we'd make a deal and shake hands on it: we both had to do something totally obscure and different that we'd never done before, and next lesson we had together we'd tell each other what it was we did :)

I finally found something to do, but haven't spoken to him yet. Awww, I hope that goes well :/

Other than that little rant, I started working at another charity last Sunday. It was okay, only my feet were dying from all the standing around I had to do! Plus, it was really awkward because I didn't really know or have a lot in common with the girl I worked with. She was very nice and all, I just didn't have much in common with her. She didn't even like the same music as me! Which, honestly, there are few other topics I talk about if not music :)

Emily xxx