I seriously am starting to think I deserve to be alone. I've done some terrible things in the past. I'm the reason a girl nearly drowned when we were seven years old. I lost the boy I loved because I refused to give up on him. I was abandoned by my friends because I opened my heart up and let the shit spill out. And now because I said something stupid I'm going to torture myself everyday. I kind of want to, but I also don't. I dunno, I just really have no idea anymore.
Basically, I kind of asked out S. yesterday. Needless to say it did not go well. He said he'd just got out of a relationship (okay, let me point out here that I had no idea about this, and also point out the girl is a horrible person because, well, some people just are, and I'm not being judgmental here even though it isn't coming across very well) and that he wasn't looking for another. I mean, I can completely understand, I really can.
You don't want a relationship, well, you don't want a relationship. Simple as. I'm just annoyed at myself because it just slipped out and then I was so embarrassed and I started thinking about all the reasons someone would want to be with me (fyi, it's 0) and I couldn't stop over-thinking the whole thing. Then no one seemed to notice I was upset, and I don't know if I would have wanted their sympathy or not, but it would have been nice if someone noticed. You know what I mean?
Anyway, when I came home I phoned my best friend, Jessie, straight away. She's the most amazing best friend in the whole world and I don't know what I would do without her. I completely cried myself out (or thought I did at least) while I was talking to her, and even though neither of us have much experience with guys or that kind of thing, she told me not to worry and things would be okay. She told me to get some tea and find some chocolate to munch on and do some work for school. To be honest, I couldn't have found better advice. I'm so happy she's my friend, I don't deserve her! She told me she would take me to the cinema this weekend, just to cheer me up :) Oh God, I'm getting teary eyed right now!
My parents were supportive too, which is awesome. Everyone I have told (a total of four people) have said "It's his loss!" and I know I should believe them, I do. But... what is there to love about me really? There's nothing. I'm boring, I talk to much, my grades are dropping by the day, I'm ugly, I'm lazy and I don't know when to leave well enough alone. Oh, and I latch onto things, which is basically the same as the latter but meh, it's late.
Thing is, I have to see S. everyday for the rest of the week, then next week, and the next... not the weekends of course, but during the week. Now he knows how I feel about him (or did, I don't know anymore) things will be awkward. Although, things were okay today, maybe we're even closer now? I hope so, more than anything I would hate to lose his friendship, I value it more than any romantic relationship. He's moving soon as well, so it's for the best that nothing like that ever happened :)
Yes. I know I'm right there. I'll go into school tomorrow and be his friend. Just his friend. And I want to stay in contact with him when he moves to London. I will. I just hope he doesn't get bored of me.
One day, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe in a year or ten, I'll meet someone and we'll fall in love and everything will be alright. See, I have this idea of love in my head, and I want that. Not some mis-match version some people have pressed against a wall or on a bed.
I want intimacy. I want cuteness. I want surprise kisses. I want comfortable silences. I want love, in the most simple sense of the word.
Emily xx
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